Rachael's STUFF


Oh, yeah Duck!! You've been waiting for this!! Anyhow, here we go, sorry the Library computers are retarded and count this as a 'Chatroom' so block it but they let me go on BYC... yeah *rolls eyes*

(Oh, and sorry, Duck, it wasn't six pages it was nine)

Once upon a time, a group of seven very strange people went on a charter flight together.


Their names were as follows: Crazy (who was as such), Chookies (who was flying the plane), Duck (who was glowing strange colours), Chickie (who was also flying the plane), Gerbil (who sat in the back doing meditation exercises), Birdnut (who admired the lovely view out of the window) and Alanna, a real strange one. Despite Captain Chookies’ objections, she had with her eighteen assorted cages, each containing one (or more, nobody could be sure what lurked inside) animals.


Before the flight was due to take off, Chookies was having a little trouble remembering her flight number. She was, after all, a Virgin pilot.

‘Er… Virgin 14…9…3…’ she said to clearance delivery.

The girl chirped back at her, ‘Virgin 1493!! Good! Morning! You are clearrred to Sydney via the Delta Planned Route! Maintain 8000, Adelaide Eight departure, squawk’s 2337 and departure frequency 118 darrrcimal 2!!!’

Chookies glanced at the passengers to make sure none of them had heard the controller. She smiled wryly. ‘Virgin… er, 1493! G’day… cleared to Sydney via Delta planned route, maintaining 8000, Adelaide Eight departure, the code’s 2337 and departure’s on 118.2.’

Gerbil’s head snapped up and it appeared to be the first voluntary movement she’d made since boarding the aircraft. ‘The CODE!!’ she gasped.

Chickie instantly switched into Russet mode. ‘Yes, we shall leave soon, rest assured, Moon…’

Chookies clicked her fingers. ‘Snap out of it!’

Crazy was rolling around on the back seat, almost wetting himself he was laughing so hard. Birdnut stared at him like he was crazy, which he was, quite literally, and Alanna produced a snake from one of the cages and started talking to it in hushed tones.

‘Argh!!!!’ Duck shrieked, flying out of her seat. ‘It’s a SNAKE!! Snakes eat duckies!!’ 

‘Not rubber ones, though, so don’t stress! You are safe!!’ Birdnut pointed out helpfully.

Alanna continued talking to her snake. ‘He gets airsick, you see, but he really wanted to come with us anyway, he was practically hissing at me in longing. There now, Stanley!’

Stanley looked anything but pleased. He glared and poked his tongue out at Gerbil, who had relapsed into meditation mode and had her eyes closed, muttering softly to herself.

Chookies looked towards Chickie, who nodded, and they started the engines ready to go to the runway.

‘ARGH!!!!!’ a loud shriek came from the back of the plane. ‘The sky is falling down!!’ shrieked Duck.

Chookies looked dubiously out of the window.

‘You actually believe her?’ Crazy asked incredulously.

‘No…’ Chookies said, glaring. ‘I was checking the weather.’

Crazy nodded slowly. ‘Yes, that’s something I do all the time.’

‘Really? Then we’re both on the same boat!’ Chookies said.

‘Well, we’re ALL on the same plane and we ALL want to get to Sydney!’ piped up a voice from the back.

There is still trepidation as to whether this voice belonged to Birdnut or Duck, but in actual fact it belonged to Gerbil, who knew nobody would suspect it was her because they all thought she was deep inside another dimension, or something like that, nobody can get the principles straight.

Chookies struggled to hear the controllers over the din of something going on in the back…

‘WE’RE CLEARED FOR WHAT?!’ she yelled, glaring behind her shoulder… and she dropped her transmitter in shock, because Crazy and Chickie, who was meant to be in the front, were going at each others’ throats with a pair of Alanna’s snakes. ‘Aieee!!!’ Chookies shrieked, fainting.

Red… ahem, I mean Crazy, rushed to the front after stealing some herbs out of the hamsters’ food dish and stuffed them down Chookies’ throat. She spluttered awake, choking. ‘Mmm mmm mmmm!!!!!’

‘Do they taste nice? That’s good,’ Crazy said, satisfied with himself.

Chookies blanched violently and landed on the controls.

‘VIRGIN 1493!!!’ Tower yelled. ‘I told you to HOLD SHORT of the runway!!!’

Duck screamed and Birdnut covered her face with a piece of pink fabric as a huge Qantas airliner lifted off metres above them.

Gerbil fainted, but she wasn’t particularly mobile the rest of the time anyway, so nobody really noticed.

Chookies managed to pick the herbs out of her mouth, and flicked them out of the window, glaring at Crazy. She called the tower again while Chickie performed the pre-takeoff checklists, which should’ve been done before, but it wasn’t like the FAA were going to sue you if you forgot.

Probably because the FAA was located halfway across the world.

‘Tower, Virgin 1493.’

‘Virgin 1493…’ he replied. ‘That was a close shave. Now, I don’t want you to end up like your USAir counterpart…’

Chookies cringed.

‘Okay. I won’t try anything again.’

She flicked off the transmitter. ‘Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full, sir.’

‘Virgin 1493, behind the 747 on short final, line up and wait runway 23.’

Chookies looked down the vast length of the runway. It was enormous…

‘Aieee!!!’ A shriek jolted her out of her daze. Birdnut had dropped her pink material in Crazy’s jar of anhydrous copper sulphate, and it was slowly turning a dark shade of purple.

Duck was slowly turning a dark shade of purple.

Chookies growled to herself, trying to get a bit of peace, as the controller told her, ‘Runway 23 cleared for take off!’

‘Merry Christmas,’ Chookies muttered to herself.

The plane picked up speed, and Chookies smiled to herself as they lifted off. Chickie had returned to her seat and was fiddling about with the engines while Chookies banked onto the assigned heading.

Gerbil fell out of her seat.

‘Hey! I told y’all to put your seatbelts on!!’ Chookies yelled.

There was no response.

‘Argh!!! She’s DEAD!!!’ Duck exclaimed, running around the cabin.

‘Sit down!!’ Chookies and Chickie yelled at the same time.

Crazy and Alanna were bent over Gerbil trying to revive her.

Crazy grimaced. ‘Are you up for mouth to mouth?’

Alanna shrugged apologetically. ‘Sorry, I have to do that to Stanley. He was knocked out during your scuffle earlier.’

Crazy grumbled, ‘I bought it on myself,’ and gingerly bent down to start CPR on Gerbil. Breathe two, three, four Breathe two, three, four-

Gerbil shrieked. ‘Spit!! Foreign spit!!’ She spat.

‘How ungrateful!’ Crazy proclaimed, leaving and returning to his seat.

The plane had reached an altitude of 2200 feet by then.

‘Departures!!’ Chookies yelled over the din. ‘Virgin 1493 is out of 2.2 for 8…’

‘Virgin 1492, you’re still with Tower! 118.2 please.’

Chookies smacked her forehead and started changing the frequency on her radio. BANG!!! Duck, now glowing a bright fuchsia, had rolled out of her seat and hit the back of the plane.

‘Argh!!!’ Birdnut shrieked. ‘She’s turning into Mr. Gabba!!’ And she proceeded to faint.

Chookies had finally gotten through to eighteen-two.

‘Virgin 1493, Adelaide Approach identified! Climb to Flight level 240.’

‘Thank you, out of 4.5 for level 240, Virgin 1493.’

Now, everything at last seemed to have settled down. Everyone was looking peacefully out of the windows (except Duck), Stanley was revived, the fainted passengers were revived and Chookies had the plane at twenty-four thousand.


They were almost there. The engine on the right began to make strange noises.

‘Duck, was that you?’ Birdnut said, frowning worriedly.

‘Was what me?’




Crazy interrupted calmly. ‘Perhaps one of you should go tell Chookies, instead of sitting there repeating four-letter words amongst yourselves.’

‘Yes, sir, yes sir, and thank you for the wise words of wisdom, sir,’ Duck muttered under her breath, heading for the cockpit.

Inside, Chookies was writing in her journal.

‘Why aren’t you flying the plane?!’ Duck shrieked.

‘Planes fly themselves at flight level 240.’

‘What’s that? Is that a power setting?’

‘YES, Duck.’

‘Oh, okay. Well… maybe you should’ve set a different flight level then, because the engine just exploded.’

‘WHAT??!!’ Chookies fell out of her seat.

Duck nodded wisely, as Chookies scrambled out of the cockpit and tripped over the floor, going flying into Gerbil.

She considered Chookies with a bemused expression. ‘Am I that soft and cuddly?’

‘NO! That’s CRAZY!!’ she replied.

Chickie was in the cockpit having a chat with the Centre controller about the weather and the latest footy results. She was totally oblivious to the mayhem going on.

Chookies studied the flaming engine. ‘That’s not good.’

Duck shook her head. ‘I didn’t think so.’

Alanna held Stanley tightly with both hands. ‘He’s scared, poor thing! Look, he’s hissing at me in fright!’

Birdnut calmly replied, ‘I think you’ll find he’s hissing at you because he can’t breathe.’

As if on cue, Stanley fell limp in Alanna’s hands.

She shrieked. ‘STANLEY!!!’

‘ALISTER!!!’ echoed a voice from somewhere.

Alanna shrieked again. ‘Argh!! It’s my ancestors!!’

It was actually Duck. Chookies gave her a high-five, because that’s an awesome name.

Crazy was looking out of the plane in worry.

‘I knew I shouldn’t have come on this flight,’ he grumbled to himself, and gerbil gave him a pat on the back for reassurance. ‘It’s okay, the beloved leader is here to protect all the people.’

‘Is the beloved leader going to poof the engine back into life?’

‘Er… no… the beloved leader is going to… pretend to poof the engine back into life. Poof!’

The engine fell off the wing, leaving an enormous hole.

Chookies shrieked and ran back into the cockpit, cutting the fuel supply.

The other engine whined on steadily, and Chookies sighed with relief.

Birdnut was not sighing with relief, because her reserve piece of pink fabric had just flown out the window.

‘It wasn’t windy today!!’ she exclaimed as the 125-knot headwind tore the material out of her hand.

Chookies, meanwhile, was trying hard to keep the plane steady as it tended to try to bank itself, what with the broken wing and all. Chickie was helping, letting Centre direct some other flights, and together they were doing quite a good job until-


‘Duck? Was that you?’ Birdnut asked worriedly.

‘Was what me?’



Crazy stared pointedly at them, and Duck obediently got up to go to the cockpit. As she did so, the entire aircraft lurched downwards, and she fell over, off balance. Gerbil screamed, and everyone wondered whether she’d gone into hypothermic shock, as Birdnut had left the window open.

Chookies screamed at Centre through the transmitter. ‘The other engine’s gone out too!’

‘Is THAT what happened?!’ Birdnut said incredulously, and Crazy shut his eyes in disbelief. Alanna clutched her hamsters in one hand and her snake in the other, her knuckles turning white with fear. The snake’s eyes popped.

‘Virgin 1493… roger…’ Centre said back. ‘What is your altitude, please?’

‘Twenty-four thousand. And I am showing 96 DME.’


‘Is that his name?’ Duck piped up. Chookies realised with horror that she’d been broadcasting the Centre frequency on the PA. She flicked it off hastily.

‘That’s YOUR name, Duck.’

‘But I won’t tell anyone my name!’ she protested.

Crazy and Birdnut were saving Alanna’s animals from the wrath of her hands. She came back down to earth. (Or flight level 240, in this case) ‘Oh no! I’m sorry, Stanley!’ she said in horror, releasing her grip. The hamsters all fell to the cabin floor, running haywire.

Chookies felt the plane jerk down violently, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. She could only aim the plane for the airport and hope to make it, which she knew she wouldn’t, not at this altitude.

The descent was made in silence, and Gerbil was the first to catch sight of the coast to their right. ‘Over there, I see the beach!’

‘Now is not the time to be thinking of splashing in the waves,’ Crazy reminded her.

‘I wasn’t,’ Gerbil said indignantly. ‘I was suggesting if we can’t get to the airport, we could land in the sea.’

‘You’re a GENIUS!!’ Chookies exclaimed. Gerbil was triumphant as Chookies starting banking the plane to the right. She switched her radio to 128.3.

‘Sydney Approach… Virgin 1493, we declare an emergency!’ she said cheerfully. ‘We’re 62 miles to run, and we have no power.’

‘Okay, Virgin 1493, I understand. Do you still want to make an approach?’

‘Er…’ Chookies was starting to waver. ‘I guess I could try…’ She looked dubiously at the sea.

Now Crazy looked triumphant, and Birdnut looked silently out of the window, going over what she would do if the plane fell below 1000 ft and the airport was still nowhere in sight. ‘Now… where’s that parachute?’ she mumbled to herself. ‘Or I could always use Duck,’ she said, picking Duck up and giving her a shake. Duck’s skirt puffed up nicely.

‘Virgin 1493, descend to 8000 and expect the I.V.A. for runway 34-left.’

‘Er… okay, we’re going visual for 34L, but just a problem – we’re already at 7500 feet and descending.’

The controller fell out of her seat. ‘Oh great…’ she muttered to herself.

‘Oh great, what?’ Chookies replied.

‘You’re about to crash into Qantas 451.’

Chickie glowered out the window, as if her line of sight could get Qantas 451 out of the way. ‘Move! We have priority!’ she snapped.

Qantas 451 obediently banked away to the left. Chickie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

Chookies said, ‘Well done, you seem to have powers.’

All along, Chickie kept her eyes trained in front of them, and any planes ahead of them parted nicely to make way. Chookies was amazed. Approach hadn’t said one thing.

This turned out to be because the receiver had failed and Approach had been trying to call them for the past seven minutes and were worried stiff.

Duck, Gerbil, Alanna, Birdnut and Crazy sat in the back, now too wired up to get up to anything, leaning anxiously forward in their seats. Duck and Birdnut betted quietly for $20 that Crazy would jump if Duck tapped him on the shoulder.

Birdnut considered this, and was about to agree when Duck suddenly jumped and shrieked, and Gerbil removed her hand from Duck’s shoulder.

Alanna chuckled from Row One. ‘She needs a new pullet title – the Eavesdropping one.’

‘Hypocrite!’ exclaimed Duck, and they fired random words back and forth at each other.





They burst into song. ‘Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer!!’

Crazy shook his anhydrous copper sulphate in time to the tune. Shake! Shake!

‘Had a very shiny nose!!!’ Gerbil now joined in. Shaaaake!!!

‘And if you ever saw it!’ Shake! Shake!

‘You would even say it glows!!’


Everyone was in stitches at this point and just a little bit distracted.

‘All of the other reindeer…’ Duck managed to snort out.

‘Had a very shiny nose…’ Alanna spluttered. Birdnut almost wet herself laughing and even Gerbil had on a wide maniacal grin.

Chookies was glad that had happened, as even she was laughing now, despite the stress going on in the cockpit.

Soon, however, the hysteria died down and everyone came back down to earth, or 4000 feet in this case. The harsh reality was starting to sink in – they did not have enough altitude to make it to the airport.

‘Virgin 1493,’ 283 said slowly, as if trying to formulate her thoughts.

‘Turn left heading 160 for downwind.’

‘160 on the heading,’ Chookies replied tersely, as Chickie banked the plane and gave Chookies a break. Both of them were about to faint with worry.

In the back, Duck and Birdnut held each other in mock love. ‘I love you,’ Duck said soppily. ‘I love you too, honey bun,’ Birdnut whined, and they faked a passionate kiss on the cheeks.

Crazy turned away in disgust, and found himself face to face with Gerbil. ‘Crazy! The love of my life!!’ she exclaimed, moving in for a smooch.

Crazy looked aghast.

Gerbil pulled away at the last moment. ‘Your face!!’ she gasped. ‘I was only kidding.’

The plane suddenly jerked downwards, sending everyone lurching out of their seats. Chookies shrieked and dropped her transmitter.

Chickie fainted, and Chookies shoved her off the controls while Alanna started CPR - she was obviously a lot more talented at it than Crazy.

Chookies shook her head. ‘No, I can’t do this,’ she said. ‘I can’t even see the airport.’

In a moment of triumphant defiance, she turned away from the circuit and started direct for the ocean. By now, she was well underneath any of the regular traffic, so that didn’t cause a problem, and she strained her eyes to see where would be the closest to a major beach that she could land.

The busier the beach, the faster help will arrive.

283 started talking, but the signal was breaking up. ‘…93…diverting….course…ck!....-tain….thousand.’

Chookies shook her head. ‘We don’t read you,’ she said.

After another brief burst of static, the radio fell silent.

Duck was watching silently from the cockpit door, and Alanna was handing out hamsters to everyone on board as stress balls.

Chookies turned the plane slightly so that she was lined up parallel to the coast, and in the final moments of descent there was nothing but tense silence and the roar of the wind outside. The ocean glistened a few hundred feet below them, its watery depths looked inviting but threatening at the same time, and the tiny people and beach umbrellas on the beach seemed like a million miles away, too bright.

‘Hold on!!’ Chookies said. There was no need to shout – you could’ve heard a pin drop. Duck closed her eyes, Chickie had regained her position up front and Gerbil hugged Birdnut, who was shaking in fear.

Crazy squeezed his hamster. It squeaked repeatedly before giving a final wheeze and falling silent as well.

The plane hit the water, and the tail fell off.

The tail fell off with Alanna attached to it. The others hurtled along the surface at 120 knots while Alanna shrieked and waved from behind, slowly getting smaller.

Eventually the plane ground to a halt, the wings broke off and the entire thing started to sink.

‘Better get outta here,’ Chickie muttered, dragging an unconscious Duck, who’d been knocked out on impact as she hadn’t been seated, out and laying her across a wing. Chookies struggled inside her own seat, as her side of the plane was sinking first and she was up to her waist in water.

Crazy, Gerbil and Birdnut bobbed inside for a moment, before common sense returned and they ducked outside, holding onto whatever debris they could find. Chookies was last out, a strand of red seaweed dangling from her nose.

Birdnut nervously broke into song. ‘Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer…’

Everyone laughed nervously. Gerbil fidgeted nervously.

Alanna’s shouts from way away broke everyone from their trance, and Chickie began swimming strongly through the current to rescue Alanna. Gerbil had gone totally silent and was shivering.

‘I think she’s going into shock,’ Crazy said worriedly, feeling for her pulse.

‘Yes, I think so too. It must have got to her more, because it’s such a contrast to the kind of things she usually does,’ Birdnut agreed, thinking of Gerbil’s meditation exercises.

As Chickie arrived back at the scene with Alanna, the faint sound of a distant motorboat started to be heard.

‘WHOO!!!!’ Crazy hollered. ‘We’re SAVED!!!’

Everyone shrieked and started to rejoice because they were alive and help was on the way.

Duck woke up. She glared at the singing, dancing, soaking wet group. ‘I thought we crashed,’ she said groggily.

‘What do you think we’re doing in the water now?’ Chickie reminded her.

The motorboat pulled up alongside them, and the paramedics on board first helped up Gerbil and Alanna, who had a huge gash on her leg, and started them back towards the shore.

The second boat arrived soon after.

‘ME!!’ Duck called, waving her arms.

‘YOU!!’ Birdnut mimicked, waving her arms too.

The boat people hoisted up Crazy. He yelped, because they’d grabbed him from behind.

‘MEE!!!!’ Duck yelled some you.

‘YOU!!!!’ Birdnut copied.

The meds picked Chickie out of the water, and the two of them started speeding back towards shore.

The third boat was a privately owned one, and could only take one person. Duck and Birdnut immediately started squabbling over who was to go next.

Chookies climbed on board while they were bickering amongst themselves.

Duck started to protest. ‘But she was flying the plane!! We’re the innocent civilians here!!’

Birdnut started to whine too, but the boat was already a small speck in the distance.

Meanwhile, the first boat with the Critically Injured had reached the beach, and people were staring like aliens had just arrived from Mars.

The second boat misjudged the separation and crashed into the first, sending Alanna flying out and landing on a cute boy, who was sunbathing with his friends.

Alanna’s mouth fell open.

The boy’s mouth fell open.



‘What’s your name?’


‘Hello, I’m Alanna.’

‘You’re cute.’

‘You’re not so bad yourself.’

The paramedics dragged her away onto a stretcher, while Crazy and Chickie looked at each other, having gotten off the second boat. They waggled their eyebrows.

The news reporters had started to arrive by the time Chookies arrived at shore.

They immediately targeted Gerbil, who looked worse for wear, but that wasn’t much use because she wasn’t speaking.

Then they went after Chookies, but she glared and told them to piss off. ‘We’ve just been in a plane crash!’

‘Really?! That’s so cool!’ said one excitedly, scribbling it down in his pad.

‘No duh,’ Chookies rolled her eyes. ‘What do you think we were doing out there? Surfing?’

He scribbled that down too. ‘So, which ones of you were surfing, and which ones were in the plane crash?’

Chookies gave up after that, and finally, to a lot of cheering, Duck and Birdnut were bought back in. They smiled at all the publicity they were getting. The next day, a front page spread in the Sydney Herald would appear of Duck and Birdnut arriving in their boat and a separate picture of Chookies and a reporter bickering with one another.

‘Well, we made it to Sydney,’ Chookies said wearily.

‘We certainly well did. I think that’s the most memorable visit this city’s going to have until Oprah comes to visit,’ Chickie added.

Crazy nodded and murmured his agreement.

The pieces of the plane were mostly recovered, and accident investigators are currently examining evidence, trying to figure out the cause of the crash. Anhydrous copper sulphate was eventually discovered wedged in all the little engine compartments.

Birdnut, Crazy and Duck looked at each other. A series of images began to form in their mind.


‘Aieee!!!’ A shriek jolted Chookies out of her daze. Birdnut had dropped her pink material in Crazy’s jar of anhydrous copper sulphate, and it was slowly turning a dark shade of purple.


Birdnut was not sighing with relief, because her piece of pink fabric had just flown out the window.

‘It wasn’t windy today!!’ she exclaimed as the 125-knot headwind tore the material out of her hand.

‘WHAT?!?! I caused this crash?’ Birdnut exclaimed.

‘I told you pink wasn’t good for anything,’ Chookies muttered to herself.

‘Anyhow,’ she said a little louder. ‘Let’s all have fun in Sydney and have a great time… then we can start preparing for the flight back!!’